Living Authentically: An Adult Autism Diagnosis

To say the past six months of my life have been ~insane~ is a drastic understatement. Between May and now, the end of November, I have moved, taken two vacations, had a stroke and been hospitalized, recovered (by the grace of God), and MUCH more.

It’s kind of wild; having a serious medical event and/or near death experience will really put into perspective what’s important to a person. While I’ve heard this said time and again, I didn’t really comprehend this concept until it happened to me. Not being able to move, listen to music/podcasts, watch TV, or do much of anything else while still being conscious gives a person a lot of time to think (and pray, if they’re the praying type). That being said, I had plenty of time to think about if one little part of my story would have gone differently. What would the outcome have been? My experience was a best-case scenario for the most part as far as having a stroke goes, but what if it hadn’t have been? Would I be proud of who I’d been up to that point? Would there be regrets?

The answer was yes. I thought about what, and who, I’d be leaving behind. I came to the stark realization that I could have loved more and been a more authentic version of myself. It dawned on me that the legacy I leave behind of who I am is one that I want to be accurate and true to me, despite how much it might lack the shiny luster of what others might want to see or expect from who they perceive me to be. Immediately, I made my faith life a priority and had the chaplain come in to hear my confession. While I am very passionate about my Catholic faith, I am far from perfect and need forgiveness and grace. How blessed we are to have a Father who is generous with both! While I’m still not perfect and progress is not linear, I recognize that I have been given one chance to live a life for Christ, and I shouldn’t give up any more of that time than I already have. If you see me on the day-to-day, I may not talk about how everything I do is a sign of my faith in Christ and determination to serve Him, but it’s always at the back of my mind, and it really is my biggest motivation. I have been created for such a perfect and beautiful purpose that is much better than anything I can plan for myself, but that isn’t always easy and requires living life authentically.

I lived so many years wedged into the mold of who others decided I would be from a young age (a downside of growing up in a small town). I thought I had to be this certain kind of person to be accepted, even if it wasn’t true to me. Everyone goes through this to an extent, but for me, I felt like a Martian trying to learn how to live on Earth. When I left for college, I decided that I was done being a dulled-down version of who I thought my peers at home thought was “too much.” That was the first big step into the door of figuring out who I am and leaning so fully into that. I embraced my bubbly, Elle Woods-esque personality, and others maybe did think I was too much, but they were getting a full version of myself to decide whether or not they liked liked me, not some half-assed, secretly miserable persona that I was afraid to shed once I got to know them. What if they didn’t like me anymore once they knew how I really was? I didn’t even know. What I did know, though, was I still had a lot to learn about myself, which was something I couldn’t do on my own.

A big part of this authentic living has been seeking therapy. I’m a HUGE advocate for therapy; everyone should go. It should be treated the same as a yearly physical check-up, but just to make sure everything is kosher up in the noggin. If there is something up, then you are able to address it and heal. For me, this journey has been long and grueling (shameless plug: if you want to know what this looked like up until this past spring, check out my personal episode on my podcast OverDUE: Defining Unique Experiences wherever you listen to podcasts). It’s important to remind myself that healing is not linear and I’m doing a great job simply by putting in the work, even if the outcome isn’t perfectly what I had envisioned. As a result of my necessity for growth and authenticity, I reached out to my therapist to begin some diagnostic testing.

As one can probably guess, with years of feeling like I had to do everything to hide who I naturally was, from thoughts to mannerisms, interests to social behaviors and beyond, I felt like something was truly, inherently different about me. None of my previous diagnoses could explain why, and after going through a lengthy diagnosis process (and to the surprise of my therapist), I was diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD). Yes, you read that right. I’m autistic.

Seeking out a diagnosis has very little to do with needing a “label” to describe what I’ve felt my whole life. It’s about validating that my experience has an explanation that I can learn more about to better understand myself and the world around me. The most important thing I’ve learned so far is that there’s nothing wrong with me. My brain is just wired differently than what society perceives as the norm. Therefore, I don’t need to hide who I am at my core; in fact, it makes the world more well-rounded and whole because I have a COOL BRAIN that works in so many different ways from the average one. I have unique perspectives to share and am able to function independently with a few supports here and there (thank God for apps that help me map out my daily routine!). I also have very intense special interests (I will certainly be making a post about this, as well), which makes me a really great and knowledgeable teacher!

That isn’t to say that being neurodivergent (a term used to describe people who have brains that don’t work like “the norm,” i.e. those with ADHD, Autism, and other similar diagnoses) is easy; it isn’t. I have sensory issues, inaccurate perception of the passage of time, and I REALLY struggle in social situations, but you may not be able to tell because of a learned, often subconscious, coping mechanism called “masking.” I could make an entire post about masking, which I likely will one day (spoiler alert: it’s exhausting and detrimental to self-perception). It’s the biggest reason why females are often underdiagnosed/misdiagnosed. This is just the tip of the iceberg of my experience as an autistic adult.

I share this diagnosis with you, kind reader who managed to make it this far through my ramblings, to shed light on what autism actually is, not how it’s portrayed in media and stereotypes. The reason many people doubt my diagnosis, despite it being a legitimate conclusion drawn by a mental health professional, is because I don’t look like what they think an autistic person should look like, whether that’s my appearance or behavior. Autism is a spectrum, more like the color wheel used to select a color, and less like a line; each person’s experience is unique, just like any neurotypical person. Therefore, while we share traits, my experience as an autistic person is going to look different in many ways from other autistic people.

All of this said, this is the beginning of sharing what I have to share about being autistic. I know this involves a lot of questions, and I’d love to answer them! Please feel free to message them. I feel such a sense of relief moving forward that this part of me is known and now I can continue to do the work of taking off my mask, bit by bit. Thanks for coming along with me!